My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
