I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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