i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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