you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
