i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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