Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
