So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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