I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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