I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
