the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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