Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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