Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
