I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
