so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
