just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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