Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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