I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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