my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You can't special order awesome
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize