I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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