remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
