I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
