is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
