You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
