I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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