I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
