im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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