Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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