She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
