I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
