my phone needs a breathalizer
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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