please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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