Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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