A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
