Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
