So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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