Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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