i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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