i love accidental penises.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
