You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
