fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
