Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
