i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
