Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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