upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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