Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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