I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
