It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
How's work?
Spinning.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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