theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
