So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
