I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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