I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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