There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
