i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
