I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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