I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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