I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
